The second Promise that we are going to look at states that “that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.” Disappear? That means they will be gone for good, one will not be bothered by them anymore. When I was still drinking and using, I had become useless and full of self-pity. Of course, I tried to portray an image of usefulness to the world. I felt that somehow, I had to justify my existence while feeling as low as you can go. Self-pity was constantly on my mind. The world had done me wrong. I was born into the wrong family. I wasn’t given many options once I became an adult as others had been given. I was lonely but I could never admit that to you. Afterall it was all your fault. If only you treated me differently, I wouldn’t have to drink and use. If you only could do things as I wanted, I would be OK. If I could control and enjoy your thoughts, I would be happy.
Everything was all your fault. Poor little old me; I was at the mercy of the tyrants in my life. I took no personal responsibility for anything, well except when something went right which wasn’t very often. It was as if I was running around putting out fires. Sometimes the fires outnumbered my capability to deal with them. So, what was my solution? Might as well drink and use as the fires are going to burn anyway. Poor me. I was of no value to anyone in my twisted world of addiction. Through my own doing, although I would not admit it, I had placed myself in this precarious position. My choices, attitudes, motives and desires were all created in my drug infused mind. One can hardly think a rational thought while under the influence of alcohol or an illicit substance. Good choices were out of reach for me as I wallowed in my drug induced self-pity party.
After applying the program to myself, I did gain a feeling of usefulness. I saw how my experience could benefit others who came after me. I saw how those who went before me had new purpose in life and did not wallow in self-pity. I had to accept the condition of my life as a consequence of my choices. In sobriety I began to make some positive choices for myself. I could find satisfaction in my work, family and friends. I was able to seek out counsel when doubt or fear crept in. I finally had the tools to live life on life’s terms. I felt I was no longer useless and full of self-pity. Self-pity became a defect of character of which I had to promptly get rid of.
Once again, I was able to gain this new way of living through taking and applying all Twelve Steps to my life. This promise was fulfilled. I finally had a purpose and meaning in my life. I did not just free-fall through decisions made by drugs and alcohol, allowing the chips to fall where they may. I finally also came to value my life and not squander it away in a drug-induced fog. I valued my time and how I used it.
Learning to live life on life’s terms took a bit of time for me. I was like a spoiled brat who wanted to get her way in everything. Finally, after surrendering my will and my life to a Higher Power was I able to accept life as it presented itself to me on a daily basis. I was no longer the victim of my own delusional choices. I felt like something or someone had “my back” in this life. Truly I was finally able to become useful and do away with the insanity of self-pity. The promise has been fulfilled in my life an I am very grateful for this.