- July 23, 2022

Now About Sex……….

“Many of us needed an overhauling there (Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 68).”  Needless to say, alcohol lowers our inhibitions.  We find ourselves in all kinds of clandestine encounters with others.  Many of us become downright promiscuous.  The Big Book states that: ‘we are not the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct pg. 69”.  However according to the Book, we have to look at our sexual behavior and attitudes. 

We inventoried our sexual behavior as we had done with resentment and fear, Was the encounter selfish or not?  Did we arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?  Did we simply use others as a conduit for our lust?  None of this type of behavior and attitudes are OK.  Others were not put on this planet to simply gratify our flesh.  But the selfish and self-centered alcoholic does not see things this way.  We are takers and not givers.

In order to face and be rid of these defects of character we have to put them on paper.  We ask ourselves “where had we been dishonest, selfish or inconsiderate?”  Where were we at fault in this sexual behavior and what could we have done differently?  All of this needs to be discussed with our sponsor or a close-mouthed friend.  We do this with the goal in mind of coming up with a new sex ideal for us to live by.

I don’t know about you, but I was very selfish and inconsiderate in this area.  When I got sober, I was worried that if I got in a relationship could I be loyal to the other person.  This was a very valid worry for me as I had not been able to do this before.  I always cheated and caused much calamity in my life and the lives of others.  However, I have a double standard and if you cheated, I would go ballistic.  This just gave me more of an excuse to drink more than usual.  I had this double standard in most other areas of my life as well.  Anything to use as an excuse to drink a quart of vodka in an evening was OK with me!

In this sex inventory we are placing on paper we learn that we are trying to shape a sex ideal than we can live with.  This usually leaves out clandestine affairs the longer we stay sober.  Some people believe that we become nuns and monks.  This is not the case according to the Big Book.  What we are to learn and do is to shape a sane sexual ideal for ourselves.  We share this with our sponsor as we are to leave no stone unturned in the inventory process.  The Big Book says we are to treat sex like any other problem.  Submit it to the test; is it selfish or not?  Will anyone get hurt (including myself)?  

I sincerely hope you are able to get these things down on paper and discuss them with your sponsor.  Remember this is your inventory and no one else’s.  You decide what your ideal is to be and no one else can do this for you.

Written by Phillip