The Big Book states that we have no mental defense against the first drink (pg,41). That defense must come from a Higher Power. I know for myself that I would do anything to keep the supply of drinks coming to me. Actually, I never really tried to control and enjoy my drinking. I tried to control my behavior so you wouldn’t cut off my supply; or tell me I was drinking too much and had had enough. The thought of being cut off from my drink was terrorizing. I needed every drop that I drank in order to keep myself together, or so I thought.
I could feel physically the phenomena of craving pulling me into the bottle. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but I knew I had to drink. I had lost the power of choice when it came to drinking. I would supplement my drinking with pills in order to achieve the desired effect. Once I was passed out and someone kicked me, and I came to. I absolutely know that if I had not been kicked and brought back to consciousness that I would have overdosed and died an addict’s death.
Normal people don’t drink like I do. They start to feel a bit tipsy and say they have had enough. I do not understand this type of drinking. People on airplanes stir their little drinks and then put the stirrer down. They don’t take a drink right away. They may in a minute or two take a sip of their drink. My thinking on this behavior is “why bother?” Either you are going to drink the stuff or not! Those little bottles on airplanes and in hotel refrigerators are a joke. It takes about four of them to make a decent drink for myself. Best just to travel with a flask if you can get it through airport security.
It’s hard work and a full-time job being an active alcoholic. Either you are thinking about your next drink or planning your next debacle of drinking. Nothing takes precedence over the procurement of your next supply of alcohol. And you need to stay stocked up on your favorite substance in case of an earthquake (I live in Southern California) or other natural disaster when the stores are all closed. After all I need my alcohol to help calm my nerves during a disaster. Alcohol was never my problem: it was my solution to almost everything.
When I reflect back on my drinking years, I feel a sense of pity for the woman that I had become. I only existed to drink and take drugs. Once one of my enablers told me I had a chemical imbalance. No Kidding! I had to get the right combination of alcohol and whatever drug I had at the time to achieve the desired effect. It was a full-time job to protect and procure my supply of alcohol and drugs. Today I have had that psychic change and no longer am the same person who almost killed herself with drugs and alcohol. I am the authentic person that the Higher Power intended for me to be. No more lies, cheating or stealing. What a relief!