No matter what (2)

- April 21, 2023

Recently I shared that throughout my sobriety I have wondered if a specific event could entice me to drink or use. Those events were physical harm to my daughter and for my mother to pass away. How could I endure such pain generated by such events? Well needless to say my mother passed away approximately 3 weeks ago.
What occurred to me about a week after her passing is that at no time did it occur to me to drink or use. These kinds of thoughts were just not in my data base. Sure, I was sad, and mad. I lost my mother. When the phone rang around 1:00 in the morning and the caller ID was from the nursing home, I Knew they were not calling to chit chat. The nurse advised me that they had found her unresponsive during their rounds. My daughter and I rushed to the home to see my mother before they took her to the mortuary.
Upon arrival there I went and sat next to her. I placed my forehead on her arm and my other hand on her forehead and began to pray and just talk to her. She was still warm. I was able to sit with her for over an hour before they came to pick her up. I said goodbye to my precious mother.
Now mind you I am a falling down blackout drinker and pill popper. I used to take pills to stop the shakes so I could get out of bed. And now I was faced with the biggest no matter what of my sobriety. I left the room and went to meet up with my brother and daughter. They did not want to see her. I told them she looked younger and like she was sleeping. They were content with their memories.
The fact that the idea to drink or use did not occur to me is nothing short of a major miracle. God has performed many miracles in my sober life but this one may have been the biggest so far. Imagine being able to feel intense feelings of grief and despair and not go looking for something to drown out the pain! Nothing was said and nothing was done as they wheeled her body past us to the waiting van from the mortuary. They also had a Highway Patrol officer standing near us. I guess we passed the test because he did not ask to speak to us.
I am still very sad due to her passing. I remember the fun things we used to do. And I remember the turmoil between the two of us at times. My mother instilled in me a lot of good qualities and she also demonstrated some not so good things. The bottom line is that she was human, and we had a typical mother-daughter relationship. I’m no angel and was a hard teenager to parent. She did try, however.
So, you see that God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. There is no way I could have gone through her death if I was drinking. And I am sure that I would have caused a scene at the nursing home and mortuary. I thank God that my mother got to live with me for 38 sober years. I may not have lived up to her expectations, but the love never wavered throughout the years.

Written by Phillip