In the end of my drinking and using career the only thing I trusted was the bottle and the drugs. Then to my dismay they stopped working for me. I could not get the desired reaction I wanted anymore, even with almost lethal doses of the drugs. I tried different combinations of Seconal, Percocet, Ativan. Cocaine and alcohol. None of these worked to get me to the place I wanted to be in. I grew weary and frustrated as I felt as if my best friends had deserted me. I did not know about tolerance levels way back then.
Now that I had nothing to trust in, I became desperate. My substances could no longer be trusted. I tried a different drug dealer thinking that there must be something wrong with the drugs. This proved to be wrong as it was not the drugs; it was me. Through a series of circumstances, I ended up in a detox unit. And I have been clean and sober ever since.
Trusting anyone or anything was a monumental task for me. Basically, I had lost trust of myself and has transferred these feelings of loss to things and others. I was introduced to the 12 Step program while in detox and had no choice but to trust that the program could work for me. That’s probably the best decision I have made in my life. After completing detox, I went to as many meetings as I could. I did not have the money for an outpatient program as I had spent it all on drugs. The meetings became my refuge. I listened intently and gathered that I needed a sponsor. Apparently, I did as a woman volunteered to be my sponsor.
I was a very willing newcomer. I had the notion that if I drank again, I would be kicked out of the group. I did not want to get kicked out as I had no other place to go to. As a result of this notion, I did not relapse. I have since learned that the group does not kick people out if they relapse. I got into the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and began taking the steps. I had to trust that the program of recovery would work for me.
It was hard for me to trust my sponsor but she was persistent in her dealings with me. Shortly thereafter I was given the gift of surrender by my Higher Power. I feverishly began working the steps and applying the principles of the program I was learning in my life. I shared my 5th step with this sponsor and continued to progress in the rest of the steps. My spiritual awakening at that time was of the educational variety over time. Since then, I have had several spiritual experiences way back when given to me by my Higher Power. I am deeply grateful for these experiences. The most astonishing part to me is that I have remained sober since that first day in detox.
Thankfully my Higher Power removed all cravings and desire to drink and use drugs from me. I have not had to wrestle with these things. I thank God for the release from the tyranny of addiction. And this is all because I had a grain of trust left in me that this program may work for me.
